Books, Life and Stupidity

First of all, I have begun to hoard books again. As of today, I have 18 books to read.

They are:

– The Graveyard Book: Neil Gaiman
– Untamed: PC Cast & Kristen Cast
– Wizard’s First Rule: Terry Goodkind
– Last Look: Mariah Stewart
– Last Breath: Mariah Stewart
– Last Words: Mariah Stewart
– Crossfire: JoAnn Ross
– American Gods: Neil Gaiman
– The Host: Stephenie Meyer
– A Quick Bite: Lynsay Sands
– A Bite To Remember: Lynsay Sands
– Bite Me If You Can: Lynsay Sands
– The Rogue Hunter: Lynsay Sands
– It Happened One Night: Historical Romance Anthology
– Kiss of Crimson: Lara Adrian
– Midnight Awakening: Lara Adrian
– Midnight Rising: Lara Adrian
– Deadly Night: Heather Graham

And I am currently reading – “The Devil’s Love” by Julia London. I think my love for books speaks in itself with this list.

On to life. It’s troublesome, as always. I can’t seem to be able to do what I want, when I want to do it because there are so many obstacles in the way. And as much as I push or try to climb over the obstacle, it seems to get higher and pushes me back to the beginning to start over. Granted I shouldn’t give up, but I am so tempted to do so. There are some things in life that you cannot do without help. And I’ve asked for that help, the promise was made, but nothing came of it. And it is really disheartening. I don’t like disappointment, I’m trying to stay away from it and anything that may result in disappointment. So I don’t have expectations of anything. Not even of myself because I don’t really know what I’m capable of.

I guess I have been stubborn. But my pride and dignity are really all I have left. Hope is fleeting. I begin to consider myself foolish when I let hope into my world because disappointment almost always follows. Currently I’m living alone, for the most part. But I don’t have the ability to go anywhere or do anything when I want to do it. I have to ask or beg for other people to take me here or there. I hate being that dependent. I hate having to take up someone else’s time for something that I need to do myself. What if I wanted to go out after work or class? I can’t do it because I don’t have that kind of freedom. And I hate it. And since it’s a negative kind of emotion, negative thoughts, I don’t bother with it. I try to stay away from it. So therefore I have become a bit of a recluse in my own world. I think I may go mad.

Which leads into the stupidity part. I don’t understand pathetic people these days. This may sound like whining a bit, but believe me, you can only think so much before your mind explodes. The immaturity and stupidity of a pair of people astound me. I am literally almost left speechless about it. I’m sure the world finds them hilarious and amusing, but only because of the way they act. It’s like watching that infamous car wreck. You don’t want to watch, but you just can’t seem to look away. That’s what it is. A car wreck of humanity. These people are no longer children, they are suppose to be adults. But they refuse responsibility and maturity. Granted they are under the age of 25, but I wince every time I even think about them. I am disgusted to even be remotely acquainted to them. Would I introduce these people to others? No. Never. I wouldn’t even invite these people to a party! I can barely tolerate them and I know many people would agree with me.

It’s like that one guy or girl at the party who thinks they are all that and a bag of chips. They are raunchy, childish, spiteful, vindictive, malicious — I can’t find enough words to describe my disgust of these two without using a thesaurus. And the sad part is, they would take it as a compliment. That’s how horrible it is. What gets really tiring is how I have to constantly defend myself against these two because it almost seems as if they are out to get me. I know one of them is so jealous of me that it’s ridiculous. I’m not one of those people that thrive under other people’s jealousy. And this is because I am who I am. And because of history. Now any reasonable, adult knows that jealousy will not help the matters at all because they will only make it worse and in the end destroy everything. It does not take any kind of courage to admit you are jealous of someone. It really doesn’t. It’s petty and moronic for you to even tell the person you’re jealous of them. Especially when it’s all in the past. It serves no purpose other than being the object of pity.

And I thought I needed therapy. It’s so sad. I really do feel sorry for these people. But I feel much better now that I have written it all down. I know talking about them just gives them the audience and publicity they want. Even if it’s the wrong kind. Like I said, I can’t help but be disgusted and so I have thought too much about it. It needs to be written.

~ by Anita on October 18, 2008.