Moving Forward

Note: This is also posted on the other blog I run, because the subject concerns both areas and both audiences. Thanks.

“Private Practice.”

Last night’s show was really interesting as it somehow reflected my current situation. This group of doctors – psychiatrists, gynecologist, pediatrician, … – had to find a way to make their practice work. The practice was going under, they were divided between who would be the boss and the two who were fighting for the position had personal issues, as in they were divorced/separated, sleeping together, but against each other of ideas on how to run the place. So one of the doctors, Addison, told them to either resolve it as to who should run the practice. So that pitted Naomi and Sam against each other, in which they turned it around and put the choice to a vote. In the end, Addison made a speech that really struck a chord with me.

‘Look, maybe this is my fault. I pushed us to try to recapture the past, what we had, what this place used to be. But the past is cluttered with anger and mistakes and we need to bury that. It doesn’t matter who did what when. It matters what we want to do now. What we want this place to be going forward… We need to move forward, not back.”

The past few days have been difficult. I fought with someone who was really popular with most (some?) of the players on the game. This fight had been going on for months. Until Monday night that was the last straw. Yes, I interfered in a conversation between a mortal and immortal. The fact being the conversation should not have been taking place anyway. The past is past and it was time for the attitudes to stop. The conversation escalated into a battle. At which point I fired the immortal in question. That did not sit well with another immortal, who was now his girlfriend. Once he was gone, I spent a little over an hour or two listening to her anger and issues. She claimed she was going to stand up to me, saying I was wrong in what I did. That I shouldn’t have done it without consulting the other immortals.

Even though I had higher rank than her, and I was the administrator. She still argued with me. It was mostly anger, had nothing to really do with the issue at hand. They say they fight for the players and what they (the players) deserve. But this is about what everyone deserves. If there is no game, there is no players. Yes, the players are important. But ask the players what is important to them? The game. Having a place to come to so they can escape reality. So they can talk with friends. So they can belong somewhere where their imagination can run rampant. Without the game, there is no place for them to do that.

So yes, I fired him. Yes, I also banned him. I banned his IP address to where he can no longer even create accounts. I did not tell him I was banning him, there was no point in doing so. The past attempts at trying to get him to see reason, to give a little and let go of what happened then did not work. No matter what level I spoke on, no matter what evidence I presented. And I’m sorry for that. I really did not want to punish him. But it was for the sake of the game. We DO need to move forward. We can’t keep hiding in the past and holding onto the grudges or anger that’s there. He didn’t see it. He refused to let it go.

I don’t really need to justify my actions to anyone. Most of the people who really know the situation agree with my choice. But I feel compelled to at least write it down, to once and for all lay out my thoughts on the matter. I didn’t like doing it. I was close to him once, and I took away something he had been a part of for far longer than I had. But what choice did he give me? When there are so many people around you that dislike you for what you are doing, it is not their fault… it’s yours. And if this was the only way that I could get it all to stop, then so be it. Talking did nothing, pleading did nothing. He was beyond caring.

It’s not the same game of the past. It’s not the same game you remembered as a kid. It will never be the same game as the past. But when is anything of the past the way we remember it? Keep those memories safe. That’s what they are there for. Don’t taint or poison them with what it has become. Changes will happen. New people will show up, new things will occur. It does not mean that people are ruining it, that they are destroying what’s there. It just means that it’s changing. You can’t keep a hold of the past for forever. Because the past is just that. It’s gone.

And if we are continuously reminded of the past, of how great it was and then of how we all fucked it up, then there is no future. And, I refuse to let it die this kind of death. This game has meant so much to so many people, I refuse to see it die because of mistakes and people angry because of them.

That covers it for now. I’ve run dry and my mind is now at ease. Time to prepare for Halloween Night.

Ciao.

~ by Anita on October 30, 2008.