Games People Play

What’s the point in games people play?

So a few months ago my Mother had moved out of the house, and I was on my own. Which I loved, by the way. I enjoyed it. The only annoying thing was that I couldn’t go where I wanted, when I wanted. But still, I liked living alone. Then my sister moves in, since my Mom basically gave her the house anyway. I was mostly just in the way of her completely occupying the house. Finally my sister took the hint and she moved back out. A month later of living alone. And now apparently my Mom and her husband are moving back into the house.

Why?

Somewhere in this game is suppose to be the objective of helping me get out. You know, the license, the car, the job… the life. Kinda funny. Can’t get a car without a license and can’t get a license without a car. And I am not willing to get a job without either because I don’t want to depend on other people to get me to and from work. My cousin doesn’t drive, so in order for him to get to work he has to have someone drop him off. And then he spent a couple hours calling people to get a rid back home. I do not want to be put in that position. Not only is it frustrating for me, but it’s probably annoying to the person who has to be nice enough to answer my request.

My sister couldn’t help me with it. When my Mom was single, she had no real desire or want to help me with it. So why should I think that she’s going to help me now? I know she’s changed. But I just don’t see it happening.

I guess that kind of explains the relationship I have with my Mother. I’m not close to her. I observe her, I try not to ask or anything because I don’t want to take her for granted. But we don’t talk . We don’t really know each other.

Ugh. Now I’m getting maudlin. You know of all this game playing the last few months, the one piece on the board that isn’t moving is me. Maybe it wouldn’t bother most people. But it does me. When I do get to go out, I have no accomplishments to tell people. I tell them I’m in college because that’s all I’ve got.

I ran into my algebra/pre-cal high school teacher the other day and she asked if I had kids. Nope. I can’t even get a date, how am I suppose to have kids? It’s frustrating for me. And from a society viewpoint, it’s kind of sad. Maybe I really am just pathetic.

I don’t want them living here again. I don’t want anyone moving in. I get itchy and I immediately go into hiding when someone else lays claim to something. Granted, I’m just living here. Maybe I got delusional enough to believe it was mine. That I had some claim to it. But I don’t. Still. It became my space, and now someone else has moved into it and taken it over. So I retreat back to my corner room.

And all of it is for what? They aren’t going to help me. My Mom isn’t going to help me with anything. I know she’s not. I need to do something, so I have to ask someone for the help. If it’s something like picking up an item from the store, “I’ll take care of it.” But I wanted to do it. Yet I have to give it up and let someone else handle it. I don’t like feeling helpless. I want to do it myself. I don’t want someone to do it for me.

I mean, am I broken or something?

Maybe it’s just the consequences of being a prisoner of circumstance. My circumstances force me to do what I have to do, not what I want. But we can’t always get what we want, right? And I’ve yet to find the place where I get what I need.

~ by Anita on February 28, 2009.